FDP Forum / A new song/ 12 messages in thread.

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littleuch

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Ocala, Fla

Feb 21st, 2014 07:10 PM        

Some reflection on my last day in Michigan and the process of pulling up roots.



Rigby1027



USA, Lubbock

Anybody got a band-aid?
Feb 21st, 2014 07:31 PM        

I dig it. <br /> <br /> I'm no songwriter, but I'd like to hear something change in the second "Don't Forget" line.<br /> <br /> <br /> Don't Forget About Us<br /> Don't Foget to Pray<br /> <br /> Don't Forget About Us.<br /> Don't Forget we're away. Etc.....<br /> <br /> I don't know seems like a chance to change it up.<br /> <br /> <br /> The rest of the lyrics were very good. Plus the composition was great.



littleuch

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Ocala, Fla

Feb 21st, 2014 07:39 PM        

Hey Rig, thanks for listening. The song formed from a dream I had recently. Dark club, a duo on acoustics playing the sketch of this song. There was an element of "lament" with the repeating "don't forget about us" that I decided to run with. I thought about looking for a rhyme actually. At this point I think my wife would kill me if I reopen this session, lol.



tiller2

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USA

Feb 21st, 2014 07:45 PM        

littleuch, cool song, for some reason it brings to mind the Alan Parsons Project... similar vibe as some of their songs.<br /> <br /> I respectfully disagree with Rig and think it's fine, good even, to repeat the Don't Forget About Us lyric.<br /> <br /> I wonder if adding a bridge would be a good addition, with another idea and giving a relief from the basic verse.<br /> <br />



littleuch

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Ocala, Fla

Feb 21st, 2014 08:26 PM        

I thought about a bridge but thought the acoustic instrumental kinda broke it up with the following breakdown to the last verse. I'm usually big on bridges.



tiller2

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USA

Feb 21st, 2014 09:36 PM        

The instrumental definitely does that job. A bridge on top of that would make it a more elaborate (commercial?) song, and I'm not saying it is needed or better than what you've got.<br /> <br /> To me, it would be worth trying IF you had a lyrical idea that would add another dimension.<br /> <br /> It's a good, performable song as is.



Alderandash

Contributing Member
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QLD Australia

Feb 21st, 2014 10:28 PM        

Nice work.<br /> <br /> If that's how it came off the press don't change a thing. Be proud of it and move on to the next.<br /> <br />



littleuch

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Ocala, Fla

Feb 22nd, 2014 09:52 AM        

That's kind of where I'm at with it. It was conceived and created in a relatively short period of time and I'm going with a "it is was it is" mindset. I'm not having aspirations of demoing it for an American Idol tryout ;-)<br /> <br /> Interesting thought on the Alan Parsons line, tiller. While I don't necessarily hear it I was reminded while mixing of Al Stewart during my acoustic solo break, which brushes up against Parsons. Then again I was also reminded of Death Cab For Cutie with the lower octave vocal lines, of all things. <br /> <br /> Thanks for listening guys.



fendrguitplayr

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Greater Boston

Where suspense is never in short supply.
Feb 22nd, 2014 09:57 AM        

Nice songwriting!



ninworks

Contributing Member

USA

Too Much GAS
Feb 22nd, 2014 01:41 PM        

Sounds great as always. Good job.



Rockit!

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Massachusetts

Peace
Feb 22nd, 2014 06:08 PM        

Nice work! It brings strong visuals to mind, which to me is a sure guage of successful writing. I saw the stairs, the pipes in the cellar, the walkway. I get the lament, a sense of sadness and disapointment.(my interpertation)<br /> I had to google "Shiawassee".<br /> Who's the three men?<br /> It's your voice and melody that somewhat reminded me of Al Stewart.<br /> I totally get the fear that I might drive my sweetheart over the edge if I take another crack at a tune I'm workin' on.



littleuch

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Ocala, Fla

Feb 22nd, 2014 06:18 PM        

Shiawassee river basin was a park just west of our home. Many a memory there, the pic attached to the upload was from our goodbye walk there. The three men were the movers. The shadow disappearing into a circle in my brain was a little esoteric reference to the apprehension and inability to visualize moving day.<br /> <br /> Thanks guys!



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