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FDP Forum / Moe's Tavern (_8^(I) / Jokes for all ages

Previous 20 Messages  
argo
Contributing Member
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Michigan

Get out of the line, climb the stairs.
Feb 23rd, 2018 05:44 PM   Edit   Profile  

Montrealor posted:
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs."

I laughed out Loud....

(This message was last edited by argo at 07:45 PM, Feb 23rd, 2018)

argo
Contributing Member
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Michigan

Get out of the line, climb the stairs.
Feb 23rd, 2018 05:48 PM   Edit   Profile  

Whats the difference between a Guitar and a Fish?

You can't tuna Fish

Montrealer
Contributing Member
*********

Montreal, Canada

Feb 24th, 2018 09:10 AM   Edit   Profile  

The friend has sent me another one...

Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
Elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the Service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.


The vicar fainted.

Montrealer
Contributing Member
*********

Montreal, Canada

Feb 28th, 2018 03:54 AM   Edit   Profile  

Another email from another friend... all about Maxine (Hallmark character)

Ain’t this the truth.... If we believed all this crap that we read we would all be nuts.....


The world as seen through Maxine

As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY...

reverend mikey
Contributing Member
**********
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N of I-90, E of I-29

You're old. Then vintage. Then good!
Feb 28th, 2018 02:23 PM   Edit   Profile  

"The vicar fainted."

As a pastor, I've got to say, that was hilarious!

Old George Carlin one-liner:

If there are two people on an elevator
and one of them farts
everyone knows who did it.


bikrcoy
Contributing Member
**********
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retired NW Arkansas

Aspire to Inspire before you Expire
Feb 28th, 2018 05:53 PM   Edit   Profile  

Why did the elephant go to the dentist?

Tuscaloosa.

vomer
Contributing Member
**********
*

Broke Down

in the Brassicas
Mar 1st, 2018 02:06 AM   Edit   Profile  

There's a two-part joke which only works if you say it, but my daughter loved this when she eventually got it. It helped that she'd just been over the Severn Bridge on a school trip:

How do you get two elephants in a Mini?
One in the front, and one in the back!

How do you get two whales [to Wales] in a mini?
Over the Severn Bridge!



Gene from Tampa
Contributing Member
********

Tampa, FL

Press On Irregardless
Mar 1st, 2018 11:12 AM   Edit   Profile  

Mr Johnson is giving a science demo to his 8th grade class. He had two glasses - one filled with water and the other whiskey. He drops a worm in the water and it swims merrily along. He drops the same worm in the whiskey and it shrivels up and dies. He asks the class what they learned. Little Lawrence says "if you drink whiskey you won't get worms!"

wborys
OldFartBassPlayerWalt

Robbinsville, NJ

what do you mean the bass is too loud?
Mar 1st, 2018 11:54 AM   Edit   Profile  

My 4 year old granddaughter got in trouble with with the law for not taking a nap.

She was charged with 'resisting a rest'



SandBagger
Contributing Member
**********
**

Texas

Enjoy Every Popsicle
Mar 1st, 2018 03:47 PM   Edit   Profile  

****

Pee P (P) is silent

Juice Nichols
Contributing Member
********

Panama City, FL

I'm just a dude, playing a dude...
Mar 2nd, 2018 07:34 AM   Edit   Profile  

How do you know tooth paste was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called teeth paste.

Badum Tsssshhhh

El Kabong
Contributing Member
**********
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NJArmpit of Universe

A-Ahhl do the thinnin' around here!
Mar 2nd, 2018 01:37 PM   Edit   Profile  

What did the bartender say to Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?


El Kabong
Contributing Member
**********
**

NJArmpit of Universe

A-Ahhl do the thinnin' around here!
Mar 2nd, 2018 01:40 PM   Edit   Profile  

Did you hear that NASA launched a bunch of cows into orbit?

They're calling it 'The herd shot 'round the world'.


vomer
Contributing Member
**********
*

Broke Down

in the Brassicas
Mar 6th, 2018 12:34 PM   Edit   Profile  

8 year old daughter made up a joke! After seeing a label on a bottle in the bathroom:

Q: What do mice use to brush their teeth?

A: Antiseptic mouse-wash!

Montrealer
Contributing Member
*********

Montreal, Canada

Mar 6th, 2018 05:29 PM   Edit   Profile  

Another story from a friend, via email. I have left the message as it came. I have neither changed nor removed the message at the end. Enjoy.

Two Choices
What would you do?....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice?

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities,  the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its 
dedicated staff, he offered a question:
 
'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection.
 
Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
 
Where is the natural order of things in my son?'

The audience was stilled by the query.
 
The father continued. 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.'

Then he told the following story:
 
Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, 'Do you think they'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.
 
I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.'

Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three.

In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands.
 
In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again.
 
Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.
  
At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game?
 
Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.
  
However, as Shay stepped up to the Plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact.
 
The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
 
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay.
 
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.
 
The game would now be over.
 
The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman.
 
Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.
 
Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates.
 
Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first!
 
Run to first!'
 
Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base.
 
He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.
 
Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!'
 
Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base.
 
By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . The smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team.
 
He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head.
 
Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.
   
All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay'
  
 Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third!
 
Shay, run to third!'
  
As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!'
 
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.
 
'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'.
 
Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
  
 AND NOW A LITTLE FOOT NOTE TO THIS STORY:
 
We all send thousands of jokes through the e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate.
 
The crude, vulgar, and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces.
 
If you're thinking about forwarding this message, chances are that you're probably sorting out the people in your address book who aren't the 'appropriate' ones to receive this type of message Well, the person who sent you this believes that we all can make a difference.

We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the 'natural order of things.'
 
So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice:
 
Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?
 
A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats it's least fortunate amongst them.
  
You now have two choices:
 
1. Delete
 
2. Forward

  May your day, be a Shay Day. 
 

  May God bless everyone who decides to pass this on in memory of Shay..............

(This message was last edited by Montrealer at 02:36 PM, Mar 9th, 2018)

Leftee
Contributing Member
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VA

I say stuff
Mar 6th, 2018 05:55 PM   Edit   Profile  

Jokes for all ages?

Roly
Contributing Member
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Whitehorse Canada

I don't get out much
Mar 7th, 2018 03:47 AM   Edit   Profile  

"Jokes for all ages?"

Perhaps you are not a parent Leftee.

I am left handed.

Leftee
Contributing Member
**********
**********
*

VA

I say stuff
Mar 7th, 2018 05:30 AM   Edit   Profile  

I am a parent. And I’m only 42% lefthanded.

Roly
Contributing Member
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**********
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Whitehorse Canada

I don't get out much
Mar 7th, 2018 04:21 PM   Edit   Profile  

Forgot to add the smiley face Leftee.

Leftee
Contributing Member
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**********
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VA

I say stuff
Mar 7th, 2018 04:23 PM   Edit   Profile  

Me too. (-;

Previous 20 Messages  

FDP Forum / Moe's Tavern (_8^(I) / Jokes for all ages




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