FDP Home Page / FDP Forum / FAQ's

The FDP is made possible by the following companies and individual members like you.
Please use the links below to show them we value their sponsorship.

Amplified Parts

Jensen Loudspeakers

Sweetwater

Antique Electronics Supply

MOD KITS DIY

Musician's Friend

WD Music

Yellowjackets Tube Converters

Guitar Center

Advertise here

Apex Tube Matching


* God bless America and our men and women in uniform *

* Illegitimi non carborundum! *

If you benefit and learn from the FDP and enjoy our site, please help support us and become a Contributing Member or make a Donation today! The FDP counts on YOU to help keep the site going with an annual contribution. It's quick and easy with PayPal. Please do it TODAY!

Chris Greene, Host & Founder

LOST YOUR PASSWORD?

......................................................................

   
FDP Jam
Calendar
Find musicians
in your area!
  Search the Forums  

FDP Forum / Moe's Tavern (_8^(I) / Jokes for all ages

Next 20 Messages  
Roly
Contributing Member
**********
**********
**

Whitehorse Canada

I don't get out much
Feb 22nd, 2018 05:02 AM   Edit   Profile  

Heard one while teching a banquet (in my black jeans) last Saturday.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
















A gummy bear.

Peegoo
Contributing Member
**********
**********
********

Lassoing

armadillos
Feb 22nd, 2018 06:09 AM   Edit   Profile  

Q: What's a rabbit's favorite drink?

A: Hop scotch.


Q: Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

A: Because he lost his filling.


Q: What type of dog can jump higher than a building?

A: All dogs can. Buildings can't jump.



Q: What did one math book say to the other math book?

A: "We've both got problems."

vomer
Contributing Member
**********
*

Broke Down

in the Brassicas
Feb 22nd, 2018 06:14 AM   Edit   Profile  

Q: what's brown and sticky?

A:a stick.

Peegoo
Contributing Member
**********
**********
********

Lassoing

armadillos
Feb 22nd, 2018 06:24 AM   Edit   Profile  

Q: What's brown and sounds like a bell?

A: DUNNNNG!

Roly
Contributing Member
**********
**********
**

Whitehorse Canada

I don't get out much
Feb 22nd, 2018 07:35 AM   Edit   Profile  

What do you call a camel with no humps?







Humphrey.

archiestone
Contributing Member
**********
*

El Californio

Feb 22nd, 2018 10:05 AM   Edit   Profile  

My daughter brought these home from school recently:

-What did the sushi say to the bee?
-'Wasabi?'

Where did General Washington put his armies?
-In his sleevies.

Montrealer
Contributing Member
*********

Montreal, Canada

Feb 22nd, 2018 10:38 AM   Edit   Profile  

Received the following in an email from a friend...

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

--------------------------

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be

recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:

'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of

those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving

obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the

help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.

Music will follow.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be

'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of

several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They

may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across

from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would

lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM .

Please use the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the

Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

And this one just about sums them all up



The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last

Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge-–Up Yours.'

--------------------------

Peegoo
Contributing Member
**********
**********
********

Lassoing

armadillos
Feb 22nd, 2018 10:50 AM   Edit   Profile  

Definition of ‘syntax’: the money you put in the church collection plate.

argo
Contributing Member
**********
***

Michigan

Get out of the line, climb the stairs.
Feb 23rd, 2018 05:44 PM   Edit   Profile  

Montrealor posted:
"For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs."

I laughed out Loud....

(This message was last edited by argo at 07:45 PM, Feb 23rd, 2018)

argo
Contributing Member
**********
***

Michigan

Get out of the line, climb the stairs.
Feb 23rd, 2018 05:48 PM   Edit   Profile  

Whats the difference between a Guitar and a Fish?

You can't tuna Fish

Montrealer
Contributing Member
*********

Montreal, Canada

Feb 24th, 2018 09:10 AM   Edit   Profile  

The friend has sent me another one...

Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
Elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the Service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.


The vicar fainted.

Montrealer
Contributing Member
*********

Montreal, Canada

Feb 28th, 2018 03:54 AM   Edit   Profile  

Another email from another friend... all about Maxine (Hallmark character)

Ain’t this the truth.... If we believed all this crap that we read we would all be nuts.....


The world as seen through Maxine

As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.

Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY...

reverend mikey
Contributing Member
**********
**

N of I-90, E of I-29

You're old. Then vintage. Then good!
Feb 28th, 2018 02:23 PM   Edit   Profile  

"The vicar fainted."

As a pastor, I've got to say, that was hilarious!

Old George Carlin one-liner:

If there are two people on an elevator
and one of them farts
everyone knows who did it.


bikrcoy
Contributing Member
**********
**

retired NW Arkansas

Aspire to Inspire before you Expire
Feb 28th, 2018 05:53 PM   Edit   Profile  

Why did the elephant go to the dentist?

Tuscaloosa.

vomer
Contributing Member
**********
*

Broke Down

in the Brassicas
Mar 1st, 2018 02:06 AM   Edit   Profile  

There's a two-part joke which only works if you say it, but my daughter loved this when she eventually got it. It helped that she'd just been over the Severn Bridge on a school trip:

How do you get two elephants in a Mini?
One in the front, and one in the back!

How do you get two whales [to Wales] in a mini?
Over the Severn Bridge!



Gene from Tampa
Contributing Member
********

Tampa, FL

Press On Irregardless
Mar 1st, 2018 11:12 AM   Edit   Profile  

Mr Johnson is giving a science demo to his 8th grade class. He had two glasses - one filled with water and the other whiskey. He drops a worm in the water and it swims merrily along. He drops the same worm in the whiskey and it shrivels up and dies. He asks the class what they learned. Little Lawrence says "if you drink whiskey you won't get worms!"

wborys
OldFartBassPlayerWalt

Robbinsville, NJ

what do you mean the bass is too loud?
Mar 1st, 2018 11:54 AM   Edit   Profile  

My 4 year old granddaughter got in trouble with with the law for not taking a nap.

She was charged with 'resisting a rest'



SandBagger
Contributing Member
**********
**

Texas

Enjoy Every Popsicle
Mar 1st, 2018 03:47 PM   Edit   Profile  

****

Pee P (P) is silent

Juice Nichols
Contributing Member
********

Panama City, FL

I'm just a dude, playing a dude...
Mar 2nd, 2018 07:34 AM   Edit   Profile  

How do you know tooth paste was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called teeth paste.

Badum Tsssshhhh

El Kabong
Contributing Member
**********
**

NJArmpit of Universe

A-Ahhl do the thinnin' around here!
Mar 2nd, 2018 01:37 PM   Edit   Profile  

What did the bartender say to Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?

Olive or twist?


Next 20 Messages  

FDP Forum / Moe's Tavern (_8^(I) / Jokes for all ages




Reply to this Topic
Display my email address             Lost your password?
Your Message:
Link Address (URL):
Link Title:




Moderators: Chris Greene  Iron Man  reverendrob  

FDP, LLC Privacy Policy: Your real name, username, and email
are held in confidence and not disclosed to any third parties, sold, or
used for anything other than FDP Forum registration unless you specifically authorize disclosure.

Furtkamp.com 
Internet Application Development

Copyright © 1999-2018 Fender Discussion Page, LLC   All Rights Reserved