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FDP Forum / Tin Pan Alley - Songwriting / A new song

littleuch
Contributing Member
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Ocala, Fla

Feb 21st, 2014 07:10 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Some reflection on my last day in Michigan and the process of pulling up roots.

Don't Forget About Us

(This message was last edited by littleuch at 02:15 PM, Jun 6th, 2014)

Rigby1027

USA, Lubbock

Anybody got a band-aid?
Feb 21st, 2014 07:31 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

I dig it.

I'm no songwriter, but I'd like to hear something change in the second "Don't Forget" line.


Don't Forget About Us
Don't Foget to Pray

Don't Forget About Us.
Don't Forget we're away. Etc.....

I don't know seems like a chance to change it up.


The rest of the lyrics were very good. Plus the composition was great.

littleuch
Contributing Member
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Ocala, Fla

Feb 21st, 2014 07:39 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Hey Rig, thanks for listening. The song formed from a dream I had recently. Dark club, a duo on acoustics playing the sketch of this song. There was an element of "lament" with the repeating "don't forget about us" that I decided to run with. I thought about looking for a rhyme actually. At this point I think my wife would kill me if I reopen this session, lol.

tiller2
Contributing Member
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USA

Feb 21st, 2014 07:45 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

littleuch, cool song, for some reason it brings to mind the Alan Parsons Project... similar vibe as some of their songs.

I respectfully disagree with Rig and think it's fine, good even, to repeat the Don't Forget About Us lyric.

I wonder if adding a bridge would be a good addition, with another idea and giving a relief from the basic verse.



littleuch
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Ocala, Fla

Feb 21st, 2014 08:26 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

I thought about a bridge but thought the acoustic instrumental kinda broke it up with the following breakdown to the last verse. I'm usually big on bridges.

tiller2
Contributing Member
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USA

Feb 21st, 2014 09:36 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

The instrumental definitely does that job. A bridge on top of that would make it a more elaborate (commercial?) song, and I'm not saying it is needed or better than what you've got.

To me, it would be worth trying IF you had a lyrical idea that would add another dimension.

It's a good, performable song as is.

Alderandash
Contributing Member
******

QLD Australia

Feb 21st, 2014 10:28 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Nice work.

If that's how it came off the press don't change a thing. Be proud of it and move on to the next.



littleuch
Contributing Member
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Ocala, Fla

Feb 22nd, 2014 09:52 AM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

That's kind of where I'm at with it. It was conceived and created in a relatively short period of time and I'm going with a "it is was it is" mindset. I'm not having aspirations of demoing it for an American Idol tryout ;-)

Interesting thought on the Alan Parsons line, tiller. While I don't necessarily hear it I was reminded while mixing of Al Stewart during my acoustic solo break, which brushes up against Parsons. Then again I was also reminded of Death Cab For Cutie with the lower octave vocal lines, of all things.

Thanks for listening guys.

fendrguitplayr
Contributing Member
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Greater Boston

Where suspense is never in short supply.
Feb 22nd, 2014 09:57 AM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Nice songwriting!

ninworks
Contributing Member

USA

Too Much GAS
Feb 22nd, 2014 01:41 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Sounds great as always. Good job.

Rockit!
Contributing Member
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Massachusetts

Peace
Feb 22nd, 2014 06:08 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Nice work! It brings strong visuals to mind, which to me is a sure guage of successful writing. I saw the stairs, the pipes in the cellar, the walkway. I get the lament, a sense of sadness and disapointment.(my interpertation)
I had to google "Shiawassee".
Who's the three men?
It's your voice and melody that somewhat reminded me of Al Stewart.
I totally get the fear that I might drive my sweetheart over the edge if I take another crack at a tune I'm workin' on.

littleuch
Contributing Member
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Ocala, Fla

Feb 22nd, 2014 06:18 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Shiawassee river basin was a park just west of our home. Many a memory there, the pic attached to the upload was from our goodbye walk there. The three men were the movers. The shadow disappearing into a circle in my brain was a little esoteric reference to the apprehension and inability to visualize moving day.

Thanks guys!

FDP Forum / Tin Pan Alley - Songwriting / A new song




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