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FDP Forum / Tin Pan Alley - Songwriting / Song for critique...

fendrguitplayr
Contributing Member
*****

Greater Boston

Joyfully embracing my midlife crisis
Jan 17th, 2010 09:32 AM Edit Profile Print Topic Search Topic
This is a very simple country tune. Someone once told me that country music is three chords and the truth...well, basically that's what this is and not even a bridge, but I think it works.

Your thoughts...?
She'll Never Be Mine Again

kve

Crozet, VA

I'm "Branded"-- my stars are ripped away
Jan 17th, 2010 10:04 AM Edit Profile Print Topic Search Topic
"Three Chords and The Truth", Harlan Howard

You should have posted the lyrics, too so I could have read along. Gabe has a good smooth voice and it all sounds pretty good. Very few country songs are in the Verse-Verse-Verse format (or verse-refrain, v-r,v-r) except for maybe story songs. If you want to mainstream this a little, I would look for a big fat chorus that is memorable to the listeners (at least that's the theory). It would break the song up a little. If you don't want a big chorus, then a bridge might be necessary to give a change of pace before the last verse.

Just my opinion -- it does sound fine!

Kevin

mark bjorke
Contributing Member
**********
***

Annapolis, MD

wank box
Jan 17th, 2010 10:12 AM Edit Profile Print Topic Search Topic
I don't think there's anything wrong with the format. The melody is nice. The outro was a little jumbled up to my ear.

I might make the arrangement a little softer to match the vocalist's voice.

fendrguitplayr
Contributing Member
*****

Greater Boston

Joyfully embracing my midlife crisis
Jan 17th, 2010 10:34 AM Edit Profile Print Topic Search Topic
Good points, thanks for listening and comments.

This went back and forth nine times before Gabe was happy with the mix...two low tech old guys!

edit - I'll have to ask Gabe to send the lyrics and will post.

(This message was last edited by fendrguitplayr at 10:35 AM, Jan 17th, 2010)

fendrguitplayr
Contributing Member
*****

Greater Boston

Joyfully embracing my midlife crisis
Jan 17th, 2010 01:06 PM Edit Profile Print Topic Search Topic
Never Be Mine Again

Well I wonder where i'm goin'
Runnin' crazy, runnin' blind
Seems so long now since I held her
Every passing mile I wonder why
She's not mine and in my heart I know
She'll never be mine, never be mine again

I remember her soft whisper
Love like heaven, wild and free
Now the night holds only sorrow
And a past that's ever slippin' by
I can't deny it and in my heart I know
She'll never be mine, never be mine again

So hard to roll on this endless highway
Don't even know now what I believe
There can never be another
In my restless dreams she's in my arms
But in the cold light I can't help but know
She'll never be mine, never be mine again

ending:
In my heart I know she'll never be mine
On and on, round and round in my mind
Never gonna hold her in my arms again

gdw3
Contributing Member

LA-la-land, CA

Insert clever comment here
Feb 16th, 2010 10:00 AM Edit Profile Print Topic Search Topic
Nice sound. Some constructive (hopefully) criticism:

I think the vocal melody should have a little more variety. Seems a little predictable. Maybe go up in the melody line, especially in the 3rd verse. Needs to get more emotional as it goes. Too much of the same throughout. More embellishment, more guts, more pain, as he realizes the truth that he really has lost her. Seems like the singer is trying hard to sing on key and get his vibrato right, and he needs to cut loose a little. Make us believe he's hurting.
(This message was last edited by gdw3 at 10:03 AM, Feb 16th, 2010)

FDP Forum / Tin Pan Alley - Songwriting / Song for critique...

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