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FDP Forum / Tin Pan Alley - Songwriting / There's More Than Just Pain That Hurts

kve
Contributing Member
**

Crozet, VA

Nov 16th, 2009 03:16 AM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Here's another 50/90 song that I have finally recorded. It is a traditional country style song in the V-C-V-C-V-C format. Translation: It's not marketable! C'est La Vie, Que Sera Sera and Hakuna Matada all rolled into one.

Notes:
1.) The "Pa" line doesn't sound right to me -- but I didn't want to use "Dad" again so soon together (Verse 2, line 4).
2.) I discovered BIAB does audio harmonies (LOL!!). I used that feature and then tried to sing the parts myself. That was hard, so I just added a couple new parts. Don't worry, it's mostly me -- you can tell by the pitchiness (sorry about the "pain").
3.) Need to work some more on the short middle instrumental break -- but it is Sunday night and I need to set this aside for a little bit!
4.) The word "Close" is a little clucky sounding -- I'll fix that soon enough.


Kevin

*****************************************************
There's More Than Just Pain That Hurts
(c) Emmrich 2009

(verse)
He left home
a long time ago
decided to follow
the rodeo

his mama, she cried
but his dad understood
before he left
pa pulled him aside
and said these words

(chorus)
Ride 'em one time for me
grab a hold of the reins
live life like a foolish dream
the flash of the lights
the grit and the dirt
but remember in life
there's more than just pain
that hurts

(verse)
He married his sweetheart
They were faithful and true
she gave him a son
and a daughter, too

But fate intervened
sickness took her away
She only had one plea
Amid the tears that streamed that day
(she whispered...)

(chorus)
Ride 'em one time for me
grab a hold of the reins
live life like a foolish dream
the flash of the lights
the grit and the dirt
but remember in life
there's more than just pain
that hurts

(Verse -- I wanted a bridge here, but it didn't work out that way)
he watched his son
grow into a man
and his daughter blossom
like a pretty girl can
he showed them the ropes
the joy and the pride
when each one had to go
he held them close
and let out this cry ...

(chorus)
Ride 'em one time for me
grab a hold of the reins
live life like a foolish dream
the flash of the lights
the grit and the dirt
but remember in life
there's more than just pain
that hurts

*************************
Kevin: Vocals, Electric Guitar
BIAB: bass, drums, pianos, fiddles, acoustic guitars, mandolin, pedal steel, vocal harmonies!

There's More Than Just Pain That Hurts

3putt
Contributing Member
***

Mid-Mo.

One note short of a chord
Nov 16th, 2009 01:37 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Kevin....I really like the lyrics. The only suggestion I have is to replace the word intervened with "stepped in". The language throughout is very earthy and intervened stood out too much. Great theme/great job!

kve
Contributing Member
**

Crozet, VA

Nov 16th, 2009 07:26 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

3putt: Thanks for stopping by. I see what you mean about "intervened". It does have that long e sound to go along with "plea" (I just noticed that), but I can look for something else, too. I wonder how "interfered" would work out?

Thanks again,

Kevin

3putt
Contributing Member
***

Mid-Mo.

One note short of a chord
Nov 17th, 2009 09:56 AM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

in most spots you're only tagging the 2nd and 4th lines to rhyme, so intervene isn't necessary.

Also, what about "through the tears she cried that day". I love the simplistic language you use..just trying to help on a couple of lines.....again, very nice job! I like to hear it.

kve
Contributing Member
**

Crozet, VA

Nov 17th, 2009 10:37 AM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

"amid the tears that streamed that day"

It's tough to find the right phrasing/words when you are working at keeping it simple and/or conversational. At least I didn't use "amidst"!

"through the tears she cried that day".
Ah, but she's not the one crying. I'll have to think on that some more.

On the rhyming scheme: I think it is fairly important to keep it consistent (for the verses and then a different scheme for the chorus and bridge) -- it just helps the metering, singing and hooking the user. However, the good writers seem to be able to sneak in additional internal rhymes, alliterations and all sorts of fancy stuff that makes it fun to read. I can't do that too well yet, but I tried a little more than normal on this one.

Kevin

3putt
Contributing Member
***

Mid-Mo.

One note short of a chord
Nov 17th, 2009 02:27 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

I read it again several times....leave it like it is.

mark bjorke
Contributing Member
**********
***

Annapolis, MD

wank box
Dec 13th, 2009 09:17 AM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

"Fate intervened" is not very Country.

"he held them close
and let out this cry ..."

Doesn't sound like a cowboy to me

Maybe, "And told them again"

Nice song though, you're getting better all the time.



Peegoo
Contributing Member
**********
***

That chicken

is WRONG, baby.
Dec 13th, 2009 06:36 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

Nice tune!

How about "amid the tears that fell that day" ?

The words "that streamed" don't sing as smoothly as "that fell." Also, the appearance of the word "that" twice in one line is a little clunky.

How about,

"Amid the falling tears that day."

kve

Crozet, VA

Dec 14th, 2009 12:41 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

3putt: It will probably go through another re-write in the new year. I'll see if I can't tighten it up.

Mark: Probably right on not sounding "country" and "cowboy" with the intervene/cry lines. I still sort of like 'em, but I not married to any of my words. Thanks for stopping by.

Peegoo: Good catch on that double "that" (ha). "Amid the falling tears that day" sounds pretty good. Thanks for listening and commenting.

jesse1d
Contributing Member

canada

Jul 25th, 2010 02:17 PM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

"his mama, she cried
but his dad understood
before he left
pa pulled him aside
and said these words"


his mama, she cried
but his pa understood
he pulled him aside
and offered these words


kve

Crozet, VA

I'm "Branded"-- my stars are ripped away
Jul 26th, 2010 10:48 AM   Edit   Profile   Print Topic   Search Topic

jesse1d: The original version had "he pulled him aside" -- but I just wasn't sure that readers would understand who "he" was in that context (dad or son). Thanks for stopping by with the suggestion.

Kevin

FDP Forum / Tin Pan Alley - Songwriting / There's More Than Just Pain That Hurts




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